Emma Wilcox, a level 9 gymnast who competes for Gymnastics World in Ohio, will retire from the sport at the end of the 2019 season. She shared with us her thoughts about moving on.

I started gymnastics when I was a chubby-cheeked three year old enrolled in a Mommy and Me class and I have defined myself as a gymnast ever since. But in a matter of weeks I will no longer be a gymnast any more. The majority of my life has been dedicated to this sport and one competition will mark the end of it, forever. My overthinking mind has been reflecting on my gymnastics career a lot lately, struggling to digest this impending reality. My feelings about gymnastics change on the daily, but ultimately boil down to: I love gymnastics and I hate gymnastics. Simultaneously.

Fifteen years of gymnastics coming to a close is bittersweet to say the very least. Some days I feel nostalgic, realizing that after April I will never flip on a daily basis again. Some days, I cannot wait to be done and give my body a break. My mixed emotions about retiring from gymnastics is just one more way that gymnastics mirrors life: rarely is everything neatly black and white, all good or all bad.

The constant aches, pains, and injuries are wearing, amplified by frustrations, struggles, and fears. Gymnastics is hard. Really, really hard. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through the seemingly endless practices and the stress of competing beam. I dread the cardio (cardio is always the worst, hands down), and wish that I had free time after school like my classmates. After a bad practice I wonder why I did not walk away from the sport when I was sidelined with a concussion, it would have been perfectly reasonable to quit.

But then I hit a floor routine, cheered on by my teammates, and am reminded of why I have stuck with this sport. I remember the contented feeling I got when I realized that a skill I used to be scared of is now my warm up for a bigger, better tumbling pass. I think about all of the hours that I have spent with my teammates, the memories we share and the conversations that we can only have with each other because only other gymnasts can truly understand the chaos that is the life of a gymnast.

Gymnastics has dominated fifteen years of my life. Some of the best and worst things I have experienced are as a result of gymnastics, I truly would not be the person I am today without this sport. Gymnastics is a beautiful and amazing sport, graceful and powerful and demanding.

I am already anticipating my tears at my last competition, but I am also looking forward to having the time to explore interests that were put on hold during my gymnastics years. I am still grappling with the idea of post-gymnastics life, so I am doing my best to hold onto feelings of gratitude. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to do gymnastics in the first place. I am grateful that I was able to finish out my career in its entirety, able to retire on my own terms. This sport has taught me so much about myself and life, but it cannot last for my entire life.

So I love gymnastics, but I also hate parts of gymnastics; I am sad to leave behind something that has shaped my life, but I am ready to move forward.

By Emma Wilcox