1. Al’s trying to pronounce Chinese names.
2. Princess Bubble Yum has a SV that is “off the charts.”
3. “The next few seconds could change your life.”
4. The Beijing arena is my favorite arena ever.
5. Well crap, Nastia.
6. That’s how you vault.
7. Now time for Shawn and her eyeliner.
8. Ninnggg, the Chowmanar.
9. Mary Lou chugging some Coke Zero.
10. JUDGES DELAY
13. Ahh Jiang Yuyuan in the curly pubes leo.
15. You know it’s a live broadcast when the only things Al can come up with are gems like “this is the event where the Romanians have Nadia Comaneci legacy.”
16. Like, what does that even mean?
17. Nadia was GOOD at bars!
18. AHAHAHAHAHA Nistor with a 15.975 on UB. Oh 2006-2008. Good times, good times.
19. Is Bela’s accent getting stronger?
20. He’s just jabbering in Belish while Shawn sits alone, like a puppy being punished.
21. My ankles just exploded as Nastia landed that dismount.
22. OMG NASTIA AND SHAWN ARE ROOMMATES WHO KNEW BESTIES 5EVERRRRR
23. “Little kid playing on a playground.”
24. Let’s just watch Nastia sit and bitchface for a few minutes.
25. There probably aren’t any routines worth watching anyway.
26. Just Nastia sitting.
28. Awww baby Semy.
29. I always forget she was the world UB champion.
30. “She felt that she could win the [AA] title *SNICKER COUGH SNICKER*”
31. Eat it, Elfi.
32. Nope, Al, that’s Semy. Not Pavs. Good try though.
33. Just a little casual moaning in the background.
34. That’s how you know Ferrari exists.
35. Yang Yilin, you are a treasure.
36. Oh good, more Nastia sitting on the floor.
37. Listening to Al trying to pronounce these Chinese names is like watching a baby deer take his first steps.
38. OH LORD SHAWN WOBBLED ON HER FULL.
39. Game. Over.
40. JYY that was a jump on mount! What are you saying about??
41. I never get tired of watching Chow schmooze with the Chinese gymnasts.
42. But I am getting tired of watching Shawn just sit there with her eyes closed.
43. Seriously, is there nothing else they could be showing us right now?
44. Spoke too soon.
45. Now we get a close-up of Nastia’s ass while she sits in the splits.
46. We’re just alternating between Shawn sitting and YYL standing.
47. Elfi is crapping herself over YLL stalling out on beam.
48. “It’s beatable.”
49. Man, it would suck if one of the gmnasts in this meet took your job, Elfi.
50. Nastia Nastia Nastia
51. I hope you at least bought that beam dinner first.
52. Nastia’s score aside, the beam judges were crazy.
53. Still no clue what Bela’s saying.
54. Bob Costas knows what I’m talking about.
55. Ooh Nastia with the splat during one touch.
56. If you don’t think JYY is majestic and wonderful, then you’re a liar.
57. Ugh, look at all of these filthy lunges out of passes. WHAT ABOMINATIONS!
58. You know what would look really great?
59. Stuck passes. All of them.
60. Pavlova. This routine. I can’t even.
61. Even the Trio couldn’t yap through it.
62. Oh good, more footage of gymnasts standing around.
63. I was wondering what they were up to.
64. Shawn is praying for both Nastia and YYL to gobble some mat.
65. I am in love with how Semy enters the FX mat.
66. She has a stage presence few other gymnasts do.
67. Even when no one else is watching her, she performs as if every single person has their eyes glued to her.
68. Which is why my eyes are glued to her.
69. “Perform as if every single person is watching.” – Spanny F. Tampson
70. The music reminds me of Kristen Maloney.
71. The performance DOES NOT.
72. That’s a lot of hair clips on YYL’s gorgeous little head.
73. Her music is haunting and maddening and absolute perfection.
74. Her rudi, not so much.
75. Oh, she’s bowing to the audience. Crying forever.
76. I love how everyone in this whole entire meet is seemingly crapping their pants while Nastia gives zero fudges.
77. She might as well be doing hot yoga with Nina Kim, for as calm as she appears to be.
78. Nastia looks positively stunning in this pink leo against this blue floor.
79. However, I feel that only she could really pull it off, so I hope not to see much of it in the future.
80. Well, from this angle the double front looks lovely. I’ll just pretend that this is the only angle with which to view the skill.
81. And with Nastia’s final landing, Shawn’s heart just exploded.
82. I always forget this meet happened during lunchtime.
83. All the other champions get to say “it was a magical night!”
84. “It was a magical lunch hour!”
85. And magical it was! Nastia and Valeri try desperately to act as if they haven’t actually won yet.
86. And Shawn’s trying desperately to act as if she has a prayer of winning this thing.
87. The Chinese crowd has adopted her and it gives me a touch of the feels.
88. OH NO, TRAFFIC JAM!
89. However will she get to her Gogean on time?
90. Nastia and Valeri clap politely while pretending to wait for Shawn’s score.
91. Mary Lou still believes it could happen.
92. Shawn doesn’t.
93. But poor Shawn has to hug everyone before she can stuff her poor sobbing face into Chow’s chest.
95. Nastia POUNCES onto the podium, arms a’waving.
96. Shawn has to climb up there just to congratulate her teammate.
98. …is she THUNDER STEALING?
99. I’m sure the gymternet won’t argue about it for a billion years.
100. “People can’t believe they’re friends.”
101. Not all people are idiots, BFF Timmy D.
102. Nastia’s on her state-of-the-art smartphone trying to call her poor mother.
103. No one’s home.
Article by Spanny F. Tampson