1. Ah, yes, Random Epic Movie Soundtrack fluff.

2. And we can’t have fluff without Al, now can we?

3. Oh Oana Ban!

4. What if an American actually wins the all-around? Can you even?

5. I cannot.

6. Oh, but that’s right, Sveta is here.

7. Game. On.

8. WHAT!? NO OANA?!

9. Hasn’t every Romanian competing in the all-around medaled since, say, around 1996?

10. And even Bontas and Gogean were each within about 0.000002 of placing in 1992.

11. So just…

12. This podium is going to be weird.

13. Good old Ukrainian gymnastics. I hope they are present on the scene forever.

14. Whoop, Carly landed OOB on her DTY. She’s toast.

15. I’m sorry, but no. I love you, Zhang Nan, but China’s best all-arounder EVER?

16. Are we forgetting someone?

17. TINY LAN-LAN, PERHAPS?

18. Shameful.

19. Ooh, pissy Sveta fluff.

20. “No one wins a medal with a fall.”

21. Those are some true words, Elfi Q. Schlegel.

22. So Khorkina has selective amnesia regarding the event?

23. She belongs on a telenovela.

24. Dat vault doe.

25. BRB murdering myself for even thinking D’s instead of TH’s.

26. My angel Pavlova and her jillion star clips.

27. “A little kid on a playground!”

28. Oh Timmy Q. D. Never change.

29. Kupets with an injury, huh? Shame.

30. We’ll probably never see her again after this meet anyway.

31. The gymnastics venue in Athens doesn’t seem very Olympic-y.

32. It seems more high school-y.

33. I keep waiting for some cheerleaders to come pouncing down the stairs and ordering everyone to be aggressive. B-E AGGRESSIVE.

34. There are a whole lot of closeups in this NBC broadcast.

35. Sup, eyebrows.

36. Carly is out-Khorkina-ing Khorkina. Eff up for the team, nail it for yourself.

37. Oh, sad Round Lake fluff.

38. Is the vault runway in a hall?

39. A diva is magical.

40. Say diva again.

41. Diva.

42. Someone is using Carly’s music. GET THEE BACK, SATAN.

43. I always forget Kupets won UB in 2002.

44. She’s a strange brand of unicorn, the gymnast who is more renowned for her collegiate career as opposed to her elite one.

45. Especially when that elite career includes back-to-back national titles, two World golds, an Olympic silver, and an Olympic bronze.

46. Please Ukraine, never leave me.

47. What is with Elfi grunting her disappointment?

48. “Ugh, such a simple skill.”

49. You know what Elfi? YOU’RE a simple skill.

50. Carly. Beam. All-around final.

51. I wonder if this routine will become iconic…

52. Oh, Patterbot. That leo. Size up, my love.

53. NOPE DON’T CARE ANYMORE THAT DISMOUNT STUCK PUPPIES RAINBOWS LEPRECHAUNS

54. Sveta is not happy.

55. Is it just a God-given right for those named Anna Pavlova to be majestic angels of movement?

56. “Anna is finally living up to the Russian coaches’ expectations.”

57. Eat a dick, Elfi.

58. I hope this isn’t the last truly great Chinese beam generation.

59. Queen Sveta was just not built for this blasè code. She is made for connections and dynamic passes. Not tuck jump fulls.

60. HOLY GROIN OF STEEL KUPMAN!

61. “With a bad leg, how does she not fall off the bar?”

62. Al.

63. Eat a dick.

64. How scared would Carly be if Ponor did bars?

65. Oh great, Not Tiny Lan Lan is in the medal picture.

66. How does one even begin to describe Svetlana Khorkina?

67. Diva.

68. OMG JK

69. Ethereal.

70. BOOING.

71. *Knowing sigh*

72. And next we have the antonym to Sveta’s delicate, other-worldly performance in Courtney Kupets’ substantial and earthy one.

73. I think both are divine.

74. ARTISTRY, PEOPLE

75. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

76. The more you know *starswipe*

77. Oh Sofronie is here. I forgot.

78. Maybe they just figured what with all the team and event medals, there simply wouldn’t be enough room on the plane home for an all-around medal.

79. I wonder how many gym moms Evgeny hooked up with?

80. Some?

81. Not a lot.

82. So this is Olympic choreography.

83. I’m sure I won’t be trying to copy it in my living room for the next decade.

84. Panda…?

85. Hugs hugs hugs…

86. Martha is having a stroke.

87. PANDEMONIUM!

88. WAIT CRYING?!

89. NOW I CRY.

90. Martha is having a sexual experience?

91. Someone should tell Sveta that she didn’t win…

92. I don’t think she knows.

93. Oh how Carly’s life will change!

94. She is going to be EVERYWHERE.

95. Cute crowns! Wait…

96. …did Sveta change her leotard?

97. Is this her second place Olympic AA Champion leotard?

98. Cause it’s like…just a workout leo?

99. Al is right????

100. Khorkina IS a diva!

*KABLOOOOWEY*

End of the world.

Article by Spanny Tampson